work in progress

you + me = us

2009-01-23T13:16:00.000-08:00

I suspect I secretly really like math.
The reason I suspect this is because I start figuring out the numbers of things when I'm bored.
I just decided to find out how much TV I watched this week(11.5 hours thanks to the inauguration stuff and LOST premiere). Sometimes I like to figure out the tax on my paycheck, longhand.
Maybe I like numbers as much as I like words. Maybe I really am a geek, the pocket protector type.
How scary.

stuck on a little hot mess

2009-01-06T21:42:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm growing up.
Naw, couldn't be.
I'm probably being childish again. Obsessing over strangers who grow stranger and further from me all the time.
I so desperately want something more.
If I had something better to do I wouldn't even care.
That's the saddest thing I've ever written.
I guess the good feeling would have to fade at some point. I feel like dusting out my hole and crawling inside.
Closing my eyes and screaming.
The monotony of it all is tearing holes in my insides just for a change.

"people are stupid. its a fact"

2008-11-19T18:07:00.000-08:00

The funny thing about life is that its just rediculous. It never stops to check how you're doing, it keeps going. Life is the energizer bunny, and we're just too human.
We constantly try to take charge of our destinies. "I'm going to eat better" "I'm going to save money"
Sure things change, but the further we think we travel the closer we become to uncovering how steady we are. How unchangable. Unmutable. How we've always been that person we thought we couldn't be.
Life's been predetermined, whether we want to admit that or not. Things happen for reasons that we might never know. But we're never going to have a calm moment where things stop for us to figure them out.
Figuring it all out I don't think is the point. How unchallenging, infulfilling life must be knowing all the answers.
How pointless.
How depressing knowing what you're in for. Powerless to change the course.
We're all 1st mates or passengers of our own ships. You're not the captain and you'll never see the dude behind the curtain.
Enjoy the scenery, the lush salty air. The dolphins swimming along side you.
Forget the destination.

Things always seem to work out on paper.

I've got to keep it together

2008-11-11T22:40:00.000-08:00

I'm good at things I couldn't care less about.
But I'm not entirely terrible at the things I love. I believe I can do it. I can envision it along with the 2-car garage.
If I'm this wonderful without actually caring, think of how I'd be with something I care deeply for.
You guys are missing out.
I'd be the most fabulously devoted and awesome girlfriend/wife/mother ever.
If I could focus on any one thing ever I might just be able to harness and bottle this little magic trick I've got going in my brain.

I don't know why I was born to retain useless facts and observations. I don't know how I learned to be so perceptive. I just know they're valuable.

I'm getting excited just thinking about what I might possibly be able to accomplish if I let myself off my leash once in awhile.
I wish there was some outside force that would smack me and tell me to stop wasting time.
Why do I care about the status quo so much?

I'm up when you're down

2008-09-24T00:36:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid I might always be this person.
I think I may finally be so scared of it that I need to do something about it.
Nothing just happens.
Its like that episode of 'friends'
"You gotta face your fear. You have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building. You have a fear of bugs; ...get a bug. Stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind"
Its about time I peed into the wind.
Being careful isn't interesting. It makes you wanna kill yourself.
I talk big, but I mean it.
Sad and lonely is pathetic.
Focused and determined is where its at.

please get me out of this slump

2008-08-21T22:57:00.000-07:00

"I'm the kind of kid that can't let anything go"
You're last summer's girl.
Late nights lit by cellular glow.
And you're never going back.
Stop trying.
Remember, when you broke I tried to fit the pieces back together, but they were like wet puzzle pieces. Too warped to fit.
The farther I get from you the more I see how far(apart) we always were.
I miss a person who never really existed.
Outside of pixels and words.
It was always pretend.

I'm the make believer.
It means something to me.

So goodbye last summer.
I can wish for "things to go back to normal"
But I wouldn't do that to you.
You can't take away my hurt feelings the same way I can't replace yours.

I really am just this selfish.

i refuse to let this get to me this time

2007-07-24T01:36:00.001-07:00

i am a paranoid fool
someone please make it stop.
this isn't worth it.
i somehow feel guilty.
every passing day i can feel the lump in the back of my throat.
i need to free myself of the misery.
because i feel like i'm slowly dying.

i can't take it anymore,
no, i can't take it anymore

i am worth so much more.
the power is always within me.
but i need to first gather my strength and make sure i prepare myself for the worst.
top of the to do list: grow a thicker skin.

never met a bottle i didn't like

2007-07-09T22:05:00.000-07:00

sometimes alcohol is bad for me and i can feel it, but i keep going.
i keep going and going until i can't feel.
sometimes i don't wanna feel.
except to feelloved
or desired
i wanna feel someones lips on mine
i wanna touch them.

i'm tired of being rated G.
i'm tired that x-rated only cums alone. no one knows x-rated me. they'd like me, i know they would.

and therein lies the bottles. allowing my xrated world to collide with the G rated one.
spectacular.

High Fashion

2006-09-08T01:48:00.000-07:00

bugs are attracted to lights. the same way girls are attracted to the sparkle in a diamond. realize that your never gonna make it without the drive and the energy. sparkly things fizzle and die. trends come and go. brains, wit, talent...never goes out of style. cover me in sand cause i'm the diamond in the rough. come be attracted to me as if i were a light and you're a bug.

late nights bring about the most confusing swill.

I Could Care Less

2006-07-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

Why?
Why do people with no personality and nothing of consequence score so big? Or i guess that they don't score big. But a Girl who may as well be a guy who models and has a fiance? How does this happen?

Her ugliness is not skin deep. On some level even I would appreciate her outer beauty, but she is dark on the inside, very dark. Turn her inside out and look at the disease. The lack of compassion and good sense. Rotten to the core.

Am I just shallow and mean for critisizing her? Is this why I can't get a decent guy to even CALL me? Because I want it so bad? Because i'm jealous? That's a terible reason.

If I had never mentioned her I'd be in the same place. I'm a pretty girl. I'm a nice person. I am fully deserving of all the good things in the world. I know I am.

I guess one can argue that everyone is entitled to some happiness. Everyone else is. I'm not more entitled than anyone else. I just want it more. And seeing someone who doesn't want it and doesn't appreciate it for what it is, makes me angry.

Am I a hypocrite for saying these things about her? Am I kicking myself down to her level?
I just want to understand how ugly people make me jealous.

I wear black on the outside, cause that's how i feel on the inside

2006-06-27T15:54:00.000-07:00

My fear is my truth.
I am constantly afraid of everything. Afraid that being myself is not a good thing. I constantly don't fit in. I'm not pious enough. i'm not interesting enough. I'm not thin enough. I don't listen to many underground bands. I don't like too many mainstream bands. I'm not pop. I'm not indie.
I am only me.
Why is me not good enough?
I hate questions.

this Post is Bullshit.

read more books, tell less lies.

2006-05-17T22:45:00.000-07:00

I Love my older sister. There are times I don't, but usually those are times when I know she's right and I'm not ready to accept the truth. I think those are usually the times you don't like someone. When they're right and you're wrong. When they don't agree with you. When their opinion is something you don't wanna hear. We're all selfish in that way.
I would assume I am pretty selfish. I do a lot of things simply because I want to do them. This is what defines me as being young and without responsibility. I only have responsibility towards me, my life, my goals. The thing is, I'm not really selfish. If I was, I would have turned my back on my family long ago. I would have struck out on my own. But it's my responsibilty to my younger sisters and to my parents that has me stay here. Stuck.
I've been grappling with these reasons for a few weeks now, maybe months. Am I staying for them? Yes, for the sake of my poor parents who can't support themselves. Am I staying because I'm lazy and it's the easy path? Yes, of course. I'm beginning to see that it was more my laziness than my responsibility keeping me here. My laziness creating more excuses.

Sometimes I think too much for my own good

For Alcoholics Only

2005-12-04T23:35:00.000-08:00

Alcohol does bad things to people. I bore witness to this last night as I partied the night away in celebration of a friend's birthday. Here is a list of some of the night's activities:

*Shots in the kitchen. Jack. Jose. Goldschlager. The whole family was there.
*Malibu and Pinapple juice. Jack and Coke. Captain Morgan with Cherry Coke. Vodka and anything. B&J wine coolers. Smirnoff twisters.
*Groping strangers.
*Calling aquintences sluts...more than 5 times.
*Taking incriminating pictures.
*Yelling in the middle of the Street.
*Calling 911 and hanging up. (see also: thinking the Cops are Strippers ;) )
*Throwing up, passing out, leaving your own party early.
*Making friends with your ex-crush's girlfriend. :)

Herein also lies the list of people i kissed or might have kissed:
*Boogie
*Tad
*Sarah
*Alarie
*LaTonya
*Nirvana
*Mark
*Paul (?)
*Emilio
*Lindsay
*Erin
*Suzanne
*Tommy
*Norma Jean
*Blonde Girl (on the mouth)

I, solemnly swear to never drink like that ever again.

Until next month...

Or New Years.

hola mi amigos

2005-12-01T14:23:00.000-08:00

so begins the blog...

I don't think I ever really have anything to say, but everyone knows it's cool to have a blog. If all the cool kids do it, so must I. I sound like a douche.

Anyway, I will try to be my totally witty, funny, aggressively sexual (or just plain aggressive) self and give you something to chew on. Or something to do when you're browsing The Interwebs for stuff to entertain your tiny brain. I know I do it. That's why i read faux celebrity's blogs.

I've decided I'm not outwardly professing that I have a blog. I will place my link in my other various profiles and what will be, will be. If I go bitchfest and you happen to be one of my friends. Sorry. At least I'm being honest.

The post ending thought for today?
It's World AIDS Day, go get tested and stay safe kids.