you + me = us

I suspect I secretly really like math.
The reason I suspect this is because I start figuring out the numbers of things when I'm bored.
I just decided to find out how much TV I watched this week(11.5 hours thanks to the inauguration stuff and LOST premiere). Sometimes I like to figure out the tax on my paycheck, longhand.
Maybe I like numbers as much as I like words. Maybe I really am a geek, the pocket protector type.
How scary.

stuck on a little hot mess

Maybe I'm growing up.
Naw, couldn't be.
I'm probably being childish again. Obsessing over strangers who grow stranger and further from me all the time.
I so desperately want something more.
If I had something better to do I wouldn't even care.
That's the saddest thing I've ever written.
I guess the good feeling would have to fade at some point. I feel like dusting out my hole and crawling inside.
Closing my eyes and screaming.
The monotony of it all is tearing holes in my insides just for a change.

"people are stupid. its a fact"

The funny thing about life is that its just rediculous. It never stops to check how you're doing, it keeps going. Life is the energizer bunny, and we're just too human.
We constantly try to take charge of our destinies. "I'm going to eat better" "I'm going to save money"
Sure things change, but the further we think we travel the closer we become to uncovering how steady we are. How unchangable. Unmutable. How we've always been that person we thought we couldn't be.
Life's been predetermined, whether we want to admit that or not. Things happen for reasons that we might never know. But we're never going to have a calm moment where things stop for us to figure them out.
Figuring it all out I don't think is the point. How unchallenging, infulfilling life must be knowing all the answers.
How pointless.
How depressing knowing what you're in for. Powerless to change the course.
We're all 1st mates or passengers of our own ships. You're not the captain and you'll never see the dude behind the curtain.
Enjoy the scenery, the lush salty air. The dolphins swimming along side you.
Forget the destination.

Things always seem to work out on paper.

I've got to keep it together

I'm good at things I couldn't care less about.
But I'm not entirely terrible at the things I love. I believe I can do it. I can envision it along with the 2-car garage.
If I'm this wonderful without actually caring, think of how I'd be with something I care deeply for.
You guys are missing out.
I'd be the most fabulously devoted and awesome girlfriend/wife/mother ever.
If I could focus on any one thing ever I might just be able to harness and bottle this little magic trick I've got going in my brain.

I don't know why I was born to retain useless facts and observations. I don't know how I learned to be so perceptive. I just know they're valuable.

I'm getting excited just thinking about what I might possibly be able to accomplish if I let myself off my leash once in awhile.
I wish there was some outside force that would smack me and tell me to stop wasting time.
Why do I care about the status quo so much?

I'm up when you're down

I'm afraid I might always be this person.
I think I may finally be so scared of it that I need to do something about it.
Nothing just happens.
Its like that episode of 'friends'
"You gotta face your fear. You have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building. You have a fear of bugs; ...get a bug. Stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind"
Its about time I peed into the wind.
Being careful isn't interesting. It makes you wanna kill yourself.
I talk big, but I mean it.
Sad and lonely is pathetic.
Focused and determined is where its at.

please get me out of this slump

"I'm the kind of kid that can't let anything go"
You're last summer's girl.
Late nights lit by cellular glow.
And you're never going back.
Stop trying.
Remember, when you broke I tried to fit the pieces back together, but they were like wet puzzle pieces. Too warped to fit.
The farther I get from you the more I see how far(apart) we always were.
I miss a person who never really existed.
Outside of pixels and words.
It was always pretend.

I'm the make believer.
It means something to me.

So goodbye last summer.
I can wish for "things to go back to normal"
But I wouldn't do that to you.
You can't take away my hurt feelings the same way I can't replace yours.

I really am just this selfish.

i refuse to let this get to me this time

i am a paranoid fool
someone please make it stop.
this isn't worth it.
i somehow feel guilty.
every passing day i can feel the lump in the back of my throat.
i need to free myself of the misery.
because i feel like i'm slowly dying.

i can't take it anymore,
no, i can't take it anymore

i am worth so much more.
the power is always within me.
but i need to first gather my strength and make sure i prepare myself for the worst.
top of the to do list: grow a thicker skin.